Where to Begin...or Should I Say End?

This year I started my New Perspective blog. I wanted an outlet to blog about more than just running; as I have a love hate relationship with running. I love it and my doctor hates it ;) The focus is more about well rounded fitness and healthy eating. I know better though. My "healthy" eating is really a disguise for "controlled" eating. I didn't want to bog down the blog with my relationship with Ed, so I decided to create a new outlet dedictated to me and the end of Ed. I have come a long way since truly facing my relationship with Ed and letting it go. I am stronger than I was, but still am not completely stronger than Ed. I hate that as he comforts me, he is destroying me at the same time. I still get a rush when someone tells me I look thinner or I look good so keep up the good work! What does that mean anyway? Why don't they ask me how I'm doing instead? Tell me I look healthy and am I? Bilemia is not something that just gives itself away, it's hidden and dark and secret. It hurts and I haven't been able to stop. I know I want to stop, while at the same time I'm afraid to end with Ed completely. I've tried and it's scary. I let him back in and he soothes me again and it's good enough. Even though it's short lived, it's good enough. I have to remind myself I deserve better than Ed. I've ended abusive relationships with live human beings easier than this! Ed can kill me too, why can't I see that and let him go? I need to put a restraining order on Ed. He cannot cross it and I can't invite him in! Ed is such a sweet talker, a great manipulator and I've always been a sucker for a manipulator. I cannot keep believing his lies. He tells me he is the only one that will take care of me and he'll always be there for me. He won't let me down, but really he just won't let me go! I need to be healthy for me and my son. Ed doesn't really care about us, why can't I see it? So this blog will be about my journey to surrender control. I will no longer allow Ed to have control over me and I will surrender the control he pretends to allow me to feel over my life. God is in control. I need to surrender to the power and love of God. HE never intended life to be lived this way. No matter what steps I take to be in control, life is what it is. It will always present challenges and ups and downs. Life is a beautiful mess and I am not in control! Surrender it to God and not to Ed. This is where my journey begins, at the same time it ends. Beginning my life as it ends with Ed.