How I Know

I am still sick! How do I know? I had to FORCE myself to rest on Weds! Thankfully I had dinner plans with Jeremy and work is busy, so that ruled out my chances to make it to either of the spin classes. Also I did let Karrie know I had worked out nine days in a row and would be taking Weds off. She held me to it! I fought the urge to run in the morning or Just Dance when I got home from dinner. Jeremy reminded me to take it easy and not be cheating. Although I think he doesn't want me practicing too much before we have a dance off. lol!
I've also gotten binged/purged three times this week. Maybe if I write down what I am actually binging on (the horror!!!) it'll help open my eyes to the evil of Ed's ways! I really need to start reflecting on WHY and WHAT I am purging. Remembering it is more than just about food and weight. I don't feel in control at work and currently is the driving force behind this relapse. Restricting is huge on my list right now. I get am getting that "high" when people tell me I look thinner and great~like it's a correlation. I have to seperate Ed's thoughts from mine. Ed tells me if people think I look thinner then I must have had weight to lose. If I had weight to lose, then I must have more to lose! If I look great while looking thinner, then how much better will I look if I lose more? I want to look fantastic for this new guy I met. Thankfully he wants me to be healthy. He thinks I look great and realizes a healthy balance is ultimately far more sexy than being a skinny minnie or wasting away.
Another trigger has been Marcus coming back into the picture somewhat. I am pleased that I don't long to be with him. I really am ready to close that chapter, but it's hard not to get dragged back in to everything. He's facing some pretty major challenges with his DUI charge. I have to realize I can't save him. Our relationship no longer requires me to take care of him or worry about him, but I can't help wanting to be there for him. I have too many things going for me and I won't get lost in his mess. I can be supportive without losing myself.
What it comes down to is I don't feel good enough at work, not making enough money to adequately cover the cost of living, and my sense of perfection is slipping. The ultimate is letting go. God is in control. As we celebrate Easter reflection is necessary. Jesus died for my sins. He lives in me and destroying myself is not in His plans for me.

Methods to overcome this relapse:
Pray/offer it up
Blog
Record Binges/Purges
Reflect feelings
Ask for help
EAT

Feeling I need to do it all on my own is getting me in trouble here. I have the tools to be healthy, I now need to CHOOSE to be healthy. I have support and resources, now I need to find the strength to reach out. When I talk about it with others I feel like I am complaining and looking for pity or reassurance. I just really need help because as strong as I am, I can't fix everything. I've made it over the hump before and I will do it again!