How I Know

I am still sick! How do I know? I had to FORCE myself to rest on Weds! Thankfully I had dinner plans with Jeremy and work is busy, so that ruled out my chances to make it to either of the spin classes. Also I did let Karrie know I had worked out nine days in a row and would be taking Weds off. She held me to it! I fought the urge to run in the morning or Just Dance when I got home from dinner. Jeremy reminded me to take it easy and not be cheating. Although I think he doesn't want me practicing too much before we have a dance off. lol!
I've also gotten binged/purged three times this week. Maybe if I write down what I am actually binging on (the horror!!!) it'll help open my eyes to the evil of Ed's ways! I really need to start reflecting on WHY and WHAT I am purging. Remembering it is more than just about food and weight. I don't feel in control at work and currently is the driving force behind this relapse. Restricting is huge on my list right now. I get am getting that "high" when people tell me I look thinner and great~like it's a correlation. I have to seperate Ed's thoughts from mine. Ed tells me if people think I look thinner then I must have had weight to lose. If I had weight to lose, then I must have more to lose! If I look great while looking thinner, then how much better will I look if I lose more? I want to look fantastic for this new guy I met. Thankfully he wants me to be healthy. He thinks I look great and realizes a healthy balance is ultimately far more sexy than being a skinny minnie or wasting away.
Another trigger has been Marcus coming back into the picture somewhat. I am pleased that I don't long to be with him. I really am ready to close that chapter, but it's hard not to get dragged back in to everything. He's facing some pretty major challenges with his DUI charge. I have to realize I can't save him. Our relationship no longer requires me to take care of him or worry about him, but I can't help wanting to be there for him. I have too many things going for me and I won't get lost in his mess. I can be supportive without losing myself.
What it comes down to is I don't feel good enough at work, not making enough money to adequately cover the cost of living, and my sense of perfection is slipping. The ultimate is letting go. God is in control. As we celebrate Easter reflection is necessary. Jesus died for my sins. He lives in me and destroying myself is not in His plans for me.

Methods to overcome this relapse:
Pray/offer it up
Blog
Record Binges/Purges
Reflect feelings
Ask for help
EAT

Feeling I need to do it all on my own is getting me in trouble here. I have the tools to be healthy, I now need to CHOOSE to be healthy. I have support and resources, now I need to find the strength to reach out. When I talk about it with others I feel like I am complaining and looking for pity or reassurance. I just really need help because as strong as I am, I can't fix everything. I've made it over the hump before and I will do it again!

Where to Begin...or Should I Say End?

This year I started my New Perspective blog. I wanted an outlet to blog about more than just running; as I have a love hate relationship with running. I love it and my doctor hates it ;) The focus is more about well rounded fitness and healthy eating. I know better though. My "healthy" eating is really a disguise for "controlled" eating. I didn't want to bog down the blog with my relationship with Ed, so I decided to create a new outlet dedictated to me and the end of Ed. I have come a long way since truly facing my relationship with Ed and letting it go. I am stronger than I was, but still am not completely stronger than Ed. I hate that as he comforts me, he is destroying me at the same time. I still get a rush when someone tells me I look thinner or I look good so keep up the good work! What does that mean anyway? Why don't they ask me how I'm doing instead? Tell me I look healthy and am I? Bilemia is not something that just gives itself away, it's hidden and dark and secret. It hurts and I haven't been able to stop. I know I want to stop, while at the same time I'm afraid to end with Ed completely. I've tried and it's scary. I let him back in and he soothes me again and it's good enough. Even though it's short lived, it's good enough. I have to remind myself I deserve better than Ed. I've ended abusive relationships with live human beings easier than this! Ed can kill me too, why can't I see that and let him go? I need to put a restraining order on Ed. He cannot cross it and I can't invite him in! Ed is such a sweet talker, a great manipulator and I've always been a sucker for a manipulator. I cannot keep believing his lies. He tells me he is the only one that will take care of me and he'll always be there for me. He won't let me down, but really he just won't let me go! I need to be healthy for me and my son. Ed doesn't really care about us, why can't I see it? So this blog will be about my journey to surrender control. I will no longer allow Ed to have control over me and I will surrender the control he pretends to allow me to feel over my life. God is in control. I need to surrender to the power and love of God. HE never intended life to be lived this way. No matter what steps I take to be in control, life is what it is. It will always present challenges and ups and downs. Life is a beautiful mess and I am not in control! Surrender it to God and not to Ed. This is where my journey begins, at the same time it ends. Beginning my life as it ends with Ed.